Preconceived Notions
by Lady Arreya
Summary: Coda to the episode "Gravity." P/T.


Originally written July 1999

Title: Preconceived Notions

Rating: K+

Summary: Coda to the episode "Gravity." P/T.

A/N: Thanks to Julie for beta reading. :)

Originally I was just going to write an essay entitled "The Human Superiority Complex in Star Trek" to rant about this issue, but I decided that writing this story would be a better outlet. Besides, the following quote sums up my essay nicely...

"Ever since I entered the Academy, I've had to endure the egocentric nature of humanity. You believe that everyone in the galaxy should be like you, that we should all share your sense of humor and your human values." -Tuvok to Valtane in "Flashback"

This story was partly inspired by the song "Want You, Miss You, Love You," by Jon Secada. I felt that the progression of this song matched that of "Gravity." In the beginning, there's still hope, but towards the end that hope is starting to fade.

Regarding the timeline: Tuvok states that there is a .4744 sec/min temporal differential. Thus, 48 hours on Voyager would be about eight months (approximately 253 days, according to my calculations). However, I can think of a few reasons how it could still work out to "two months." This is my explanation for the discrepancy:

1.) The shuttle didn't get pulled into the sinkhole immediately after leaving Voyager. Instead, Tom, Tuvok and the Doc were flying around for a while on their away mission, and during that time they were still synchronized with Voyager time.

2.) Less than 48 hours passed on Voyager. "Two days" was likely only an approximation and could refer to anything between 24 and 48 hours.

3.) More than two months passed on the planet. "Two months" was likely only an approximation and doesn't necessarily mean exactly 61 days (or 59 or 62).

At any rate, I used "2 months" because that's what Tom said at the end of "Gravity." :)

* * *

B'Elanna stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep even though it was after 0200. Beside her, Tom was sleeping peacefully, his arms around her.

She gently disentangled herself from his embrace and got up quietly, careful not to disturb him. He needed his rest after the ordeal he had been through.

As she dressed and prepared to make her escape, she felt a twinge of guilt. She told herself that she had a lot of work to do and that was the main reason she was heading back to her quarters... but the truth was that she was starting to feel stifled. She needed some space.

Ever since Tom had returned from the away mission, he'd expressed this desperate need to be with her constantly. Every free moment. It was as though he was afraid to let her out of his sight, even for a moment, and it was driving her crazy.

She couldn't understand it. They had only been away from each other for two days, after all.

Of course, from Tom's perspective it had been two months, she reminded herself... But that still didn't explain why he had suddenly become so clingy. They'd been separated for long periods of time before, and he had never acted like this. She had never seen him so insecure.

When they had first been reunited after the mission, he had run over to her and enveloped her in a crushing hug, telling her over and over again how much he had missed her, how glad he was to see her, how much she meant to him.

She'd been taken aback by the intensity of this unexpected display of emotion, so all she had said was that she had missed him too, even though it had only been two days. Tom had looked so crestfallen, so disappointed. Apparently, he had been looking forward to their reunion for some time and had high expectations for it. Her relatively nonchalant response had been a crushing blow for him.

And after that, it had only gotten worse.

He wanted, no, _needed_ to be near her. To be reassured that she was truly there.

It made her unbelievably uncomfortable.

She put on her shoes and made a beeline for the door, breathing a little sigh of relief, until...

"B'Elanna? Where are you going?"

_Damn. _

"B'Elanna?"

She turned slowly, guilty at being caught in the act of trying to sneak away. "I have a lot of work to do," she said lamely. "I should be getting back to my own quarters."

He stared at her for a long moment, clearly seeing through her flimsy excuse. Finally, all he said was, "Okay." Then he stiffly turned away from her and pulled the covers tightly around himself.

"Tom –"

"It's okay; I understand. You have a lot of work to do. Don't feel obligated to stay."

She sighed, kicking off her shoes and returning to his side. Not only was the guilt becoming unbearable, but the anguish she had seen in his eyes had hurt her as well. She hadn't expected him to take it so personally, but obviously he felt like she was rejecting him.

"Tom." Placing a hand on his arm, she shook him gently, trying to get him to face her. "I'm sorry."

He closed himself off, trying to tune her words out. Trying not to let the pain show.

It hurt him beyond belief to think that she didn't care as much as he'd thought she would. As much as he'd hoped. As much as he cared about her.

But she didn't care as much, as her recent behavior indicated. She couldn't wait to get away from him. Unfortunately, the more she tried to escape, the more stubbornly he clung to her, resisting her attempts to get away.

Despite her concern, B'Elanna was rapidly losing patience. "Tom, what's gotten into you? You've never been this needy before."

It was true that they were both accustomed to being independent. They loved one another, but they could function without each other. They had never felt the need to be with each other every single second.

At least, not until now.

"Tom?"

He didn't answer. How could he explain it to her? He couldn't even really explain it to himself.

He was afraid of losing her. Even though he knew that was irrational, every time she was out of his reach, he panicked, thinking that if he somehow didn't keep her near him, she would disappear. The thought of never seeing her again filled him with dread. So he had to assure himself that she was really there, and that she wouldn't leave him. He wanted to be with her all the time.

At the moment, he was tempted to beg her not to leave. But he couldn't bring himself to do that because it would only alienate her further, and he couldn't bear that.

Over two months had passed for him, months on a barren planet where the greatest priority had been survival. Their days had been filled with nothing but hunting spiders, fighting off alien enemies, and scavenging. Struggling to survive.

At first, it had been tolerable while they still harbored hope that somehow a miracle would occur and Voyager would rescue them. But as the days dragged by and turned into weeks, he had lost all hope and resigned himself to his fate.

B'Elanna had been in his thoughts constantly. With no prospects of ever seeing her again, despair had set in. To live out the rest of his life on that dusty desert world, knowing that he would never see her again... it was almost too much for him to bear. The aching loneliness never subsided, and neither did the regret. Always thinking about her, wishing that he could have told her how much he loved her...

It was then that he had realized how truly empty his life had become. There was little to brighten his bleak existence. All he had left were memories of her, of their love.

Their love was one of the greatest things that had ever happened to him.

So when he had discerned the attraction between Noss and Tuvok, he had made up his mind to help them realize how powerful a force love was. To understand the happiness, the clarity it could bring. At least they had a chance at happiness. His was gone forever.

And now, it was surreal. He was back on Voyager with B'Elanna at his side, and he felt as though he had been granted another chance at life. At love. He had realized the depth and significance of his love for her, and he was determined to never again take that for granted. After what he had been through, all that he had lost, he could appreciate what it meant to finally find it again. Love was to be treasured above all and expressed fully, openly.

But B'Elanna didn't seem to share this view. He wanted so much for her to understand what he had realized – the enormity of his loss... and subsequent find... but she didn't. Upon being reunited with her, he had been so overcome with emotion that he'd nearly wept. He'd wanted nothing more than to hold her, love her, never be away from her again. He needed to be with her, because he was incomplete without her.

That was why her lack of reaction had devastated him. It was clear that she didn't feel the same. She had missed him, of course, but it was nothing like the yearning and misery that he had experienced. For her, it had been only two days. Two fairly routine days on Voyager. She hadn't experienced any life-altering revelations the way he had.

He had always thought that she had loved him with an all-consuming passion, that she needed him the way he needed her. She was capable of such intense passion. She felt everything deeply and was so emotionally expressive... It was one of the things he loved best about her.

So it frustrated him that she was acting so emotionally restrained with him. It reminded him of the way Tuvok reined in his emotions.

Or maybe she _wasn't_ acting. Maybe she wasn't expressing anything because she actually wasn't feeling anything. Maybe her nonchalance and casual attitude towards him were real.

That was an even more terrifying possibility.

He was afraid that her feelings for him had mellowed, while his feelings for her had only intensified.

He wanted to hold onto her, hold on for dear life. He felt her slipping away, becoming more distant, and he couldn't let that happen. Not when he loved and needed her as much as he did. He couldn't let her run away from him, push him away, close herself off emotionally like this.

But what could he do about it?

He was brought back to the present as he suddenly realized that she had given up and gotten back into bed with him, her arm circling his waist, her cheek against his back.

She could sense how much he was hurting, even if she didn't know exactly why. It pained her to think that she was the source of his suffering.

"Tom," she said quietly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

He choked back a sob, relief welling up in his heart. She wasn't leaving.

"I just don't understand why you suddenly feel the need to be with me all the time. It makes me uncomfortable. I do want to be with you, but not all the time."

Slowly, he turned towards her, drawing her into his embrace, burying his face in her hair.

She gently stroked his cheek, hoping to comfort him. "Please tell me... what's this all about?"

"Two months," he said hoarsely. Haunted. "Two months... and I thought the rest of my life was going to be like those two months..."

She instinctively hugged him closer. "Tell me," she said softly, hoping that it would help him chase away the demons. "What happened on that planet?"

He stared into her eyes. Maybe it would help to talk about it. He wanted her to understand.

So he told her. He told her everything that had happened from the moment the shuttle had been pulled into the gravimetric distortion, to their eventual rescue by Voyager. He told her about the crash, about the bleak, arid landscape of the planet. The dusty, rocky, rugged terrain that was amenable to little life, since hardly any vegetation could withstand the scorching heat and blinding light of the desert during the day, and the chilling coldness of the night, still as death.

"Our entire existence was reduced to a few basic tasks... hunting spiders for food, fighting off hostile aliens, waiting by the distress beacon, hoping to be rescued but knowing that the chances were practically nonexistent."

He told her of their struggle to survive, and the uncertainty, strain, and desperation he had felt... and how his thoughts had always been filled with her. That he saw her in his dreams, though he had no hope for the future. Nothing but bitter loneliness to look forward to.

She shifted uncomfortably, disconcerted by his intensity. "But you weren't completely alone," she pointed out. "You had the Doctor, Tuvok and Noss for company."

"We took the Doctor off-line so we could use his mobile emitter as an emergency power source."

"Well, that still leaves Tuvok and Noss."

"Yeah, that's true. Noss was terrific," he said with an affectionate smile. "We probably wouldn't have made it without her help. But Tuvok..." His smile faded as he trailed off, lost in thought. "He was emotionally detached as always."

"You were expecting otherwise?"

"Not expecting. Hoping."

"Any reason in particular?"

"Well... Noss fell in love with him..."

"Oh," was all she could say. She was too surprised to think of anything else.

"He cared about her too."

"So you tried to play matchmaker," she deduced.

"Kind of. Not that it did any good." He shook his head. "You should have seen him down there. I kept trying to talk some sense into him, but he wouldn't listen."

"What did you say to him?"

He shrugged. "I told him that he was a fool for throwing away his chance at happiness... at love. That he shouldn't be so... Vulcan."

Aghast, she sat up and stared at him. "You didn't."

"What's wrong with that?" he asked defensively, sitting up as well.

"That's a little presumptuous, don't you think?"

"What do you mean?"

"Tom, he _is_ Vulcan. You can't expect him to act like a human."

"He could have shown her a little more compassion."

"What did you want him to do? It's not like he could have done anything to make her get over it faster."

Tom shook his head. "At the very least, he could have acknowledged his affection for her instead of keeping her at arm's length," he said stubbornly. "He obviously cared deeply about her; he just refused to admit it. Every time he looked at her, I could see it. He looked like... like someone who wished he wasn't Vulcan."

"Maybe he _does_ wish he wasn't Vulcan. Maybe he _would_ like to express his emotions. But it doesn't matter. It still doesn't change the fact that he _is_ Vulcan. And Vulcans value logic over emotion."

"I don't see why Vulcans think that they have to suppress their emotions. It's common knowledge that they have emotions. They just deny them."

"They suppress them; they don't deny them."

"Tuvok does."

She shrugged. "If you tell yourself something enough times, you're bound to convince yourself of it eventually."

"He's just in denial. It's like he's afraid to have emotions. Afraid of what will happen if he lets himself lose control and let down that cold facade."

"Maybe he has good reason to be concerned."

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean he might be perfectly justified. You've seen how Vulcans are when they get emotional. Remember what Vorik was like when he was in _Pon Farr_? And when Tuvok lost control of his emotions after his mindmeld with Lon Suder?"

"That was different. Vorik only behaved that way because he was in _Pon Farr_, and Tuvok lost control because the emotional turmoil Suder was going through was transferred to him," he argued.

"All I'm trying to say is that they have the capacity to be extremely emotional in a way that's destructive. We don't know what they'd be like if they allowed themselves to fully experience and express their emotions. For all we know, it could be disastrous."

He still wasn't getting it. "But Tuvok and Noss could have been so happy together."

B'Elanna sighed. She knew that he had a good heart, that he'd only been trying to help Tuvok and Noss. Tom would never deliberately impose his beliefs on others merely for the sake of doing that. He wasn't that arrogant. Misguided, perhaps, but he had only the best of intentions. He was such a romantic.

But the fact still remained that he had no business interfering the way he did. She wanted him to understand that.

"How can you be so sure you that's what would have been best for both of them?"

"Love is worth the risk."

"For us, yes, but maybe not for Tuvok. He's Vulcan. You can't assume that he values love the same way we do. That's not reasonable."

"What's wrong with believing in the power of love?"

"Nothing. But you're not going to change his views on love or any other emotion by arguing with him. Tuvok doesn't need or want your advice on how to handle his love life or his emotions. Have you forgotten that he's considerably older and more experienced than you are? He knows what he's doing. You have no right to tell him that he's wrong just because you don't happen to agree with Vulcan philosophy. It's what works for him."

He snorted derisively. "Vulcan philosophy. They're all deluding themselves."

She shook her head. "Maybe to us Vulcans seem cold and in denial, but that's only because our values are so different from theirs. It's not fair to make that kind of comparison. We can't evaluate them by human standards, and we shouldn't impose our values on them. We have no right to force our beliefs on them." Sensing he was about to protest that hadn't been his intention, she continued with another important point. "Besides, Tuvok is already married. He even has children and a grandchild."

"But they're thousands of light-years away, and we were trapped in a different layer of space with practically no hope of escape!"

"That doesn't matter when you value marriage and family the way Vulcans do. They mate for life, like Klingons do. If Tuvok chooses to honor that bond, you should respect his decision. Just because humans don't mate for life doesn't mean that it's not worth valuing."

Tom frowned. "What about love and happiness? Isn't that worth valuing?"

"I know you believe that love is the greatest thing in the world, but that's not true for everyone. Especially not for Vulcans. They don't value emotion the way humans do. To them, emotions are dangerous and need to be contained with logic." She paused. "I understand that all too well."

"But you value emotion. You don't bottle up your feelings the way they do."

She laughed without a trace of humor. "Don't I? I do it all the time. Every day."

"But why? Emotions are a part of who you are. They shouldn't be suppressed."

"If I didn't suppress my emotions to some extent, I'd be breaking people's noses and dislocating jaws all the time. I can't let that happen."

"That doesn't mean you have to suppress all your emotions. You don't have to close yourself off and shut people out."

There was an accusing note to that, and she tensed.

"I am not shutting you out," she said tightly.

He laughed harshly. "Aren't you? A little while ago, you couldn't wait to get away from me."

"I'm still here, aren't I?" she countered. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. I wouldn't be here discussing this if I were trying to shut you out. I wouldn't be here if I didn't care."

They eyed each other warily. Neither of them wanted to get into another fight, but this was a recurring theme in their arguments, one that they never quite managed to resolve.

Finally, Tom looked down. "I was starting to think that you didn't care about me at all," he said softly.

She was incredulous. "Why would you think that?"

He shrugged. "You didn't seem all that worried about me, and you didn't even miss me."

"Of course I missed you! And of course I was worried about you. Every time you go on an away mission, I worry about you. I can't help but think of all the terrible things that could happen. I worry that you'll be seriously injured, or that you won't come back. But I can't let it get to me. I focus on my work instead, concentrating on everything that has to be done. If I didn't suppress my fears and worries, I would go crazy. I wouldn't be able to function. Because I love you so much..." Her voice faded. "I can't bear to think about what I would do without you."

At a loss for words, he could only stare at her.

She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. "Sometimes the emotional intensity is too much for me to deal with. I love you very much, which is good for our relationship. It's good for me, for both of us. But it also means there's a lot of potential for pain. It means that I can easily be hurt, become jealous, angry, or insecure."

That was the down side of feeling things so deeply. Not only were the positive emotions enhanced, but the negative as well.

But he still didn't entirely understand her meaning. "You know that I love you and would never deliberately hurt you."

"I know, but..." She sighed. She was just going to have to give him an example to illustrate her point, she decided. "What if I told you that I was jealous of Noss?"

That was the last thing he had expected to hear. "Why would you be jealous of Noss?"

She shrugged. "You figure it out. I mean, two months is a long time, especially when your only company is Tuvok... and a beautiful woman."

"Noss was completely in love with Tuvok! There's no reason to be jealous, believe me."

"I know that. That's what my head tells me – it would be irrational for me to be jealous of her. But since when has jealousy ever been a rational emotion? If I _feel_ it, I feel it. It's of no consequence that my mind is logically telling me otherwise... because the feeling is there, and it's so strong that it overwhelms everything else." She sighed again. "Tom, even if I wanted to completely express my emotions, I can't. It would ultimately destroy me. I have to control my emotions, or else they'll control me."

He started. Tuvok had said the same thing about his emotions. Erratic, volatile emotions.

Love was a wonderful feeling, but it also had the capacity to trigger a slew of equally powerful negative emotions. Especially in those who experienced their emotions deeply and were prone to violent mood swings. Tom knew that all too well, having been the target of B'Elanna's hostility more times than he'd like to count.

"I think I understand." He paused, then asked, "Are you actually jealous of Noss?"

She smiled. "Not really. But I easily could have been."

Nodding, he inched closer to her, holding out his arms. She gladly fell into his embrace.

"I'm not trying to keep you at a distance or shut you out," she murmured. "But controlling my emotions is just something I need to do. I know what my limits are. If I let my emotions run free, the results would be disastrous. My temper is always getting me in trouble, even when I don't even act on it. Like on the Mari homeworld, when thinking a violent thought was enough to get me arrested."

It was true. As they reclined back into the pillows together, he mulled it over, puzzled as to why all of this hadn't occurred to him earlier.

He could only conclude that he had probably been unfair to Tuvok... and to B'Elanna... and that he could have been a little more understanding.

And even if he couldn't understand and would never agree with it, at least he could have respected Tuvok's decision.

Instead, he had been blinded by his own regrets and sense of loss. He had forgotten that not everyone had the same priorities as he did.

For two months, he had regretted that he had never told B'Elanna how deeply he cared for her. He hadn't wanted to see Tuvok make the same mistake with Noss.

But maybe it hadn't been a mistake for Tuvok.

Of course, Tom didn't have to worry about it anymore because they had safely returned to Voyager. He had been given another chance, and he had no intention of making the same mistake twice.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I was afraid that you were pushing me away again... when all I want is to be with you." He hesitated, fumbling for the right words. "When I was on that planet, all I could think about was you. I was glad that you were safe, on Voyager, away from the gravity well, but..." This was difficult to confess, but he felt the need to tell her. "Part of me wished that Voyager would be pulled into the sinkhole and crash-land on the planet too... because at least then we'd have been together."

It was selfish, he knew, but at least they would have had each other. He would have been content just to be with her no matter how difficult life was. At least it would have been a life with her. Anything was better than being without her.

She hugged him tighter. "I know. I feel the same way."

"You do?"

"Of course. I'd rather be with you, even in the bleakest of environments, than in paradise without you."

They smiled at each other, relieved that they were on the same wavelength again. After sharing a tender kiss, they fell silent, the fatigue and exhaustion overtaking them. It was late, after all, and they both had duty shifts the next day.

But after hours...

_Tomorrow we'll go someplace where we can just have fun and not worry about anything..._ B'Elanna resolved. At least for a little while, they would have some measure of peace.

She wasn't feeling quite so stifled anymore, now that she understood what he had gone through and why he felt this overwhelming need to be with her. But she also suspected that would diminish now that he had been reassured that she loved and needed him as well.

Still, they would likely be fairly inseparable for a while, at least until he recovered from this and regained his sense of security and stability. Somehow she didn't mind.

She had every confidence that this latest trial would only serve to strengthen the bond between them. Together, they would prevail.

The End


End file.
